The M Word

Getting pregnant with Odin was easy. However, once I found out I was pregnant, we still waited 13 weeks before we even told our families our big news. I was afraid of miscarrying, hence the delay. Someone had once told me that they only ever told people they were pregnant right away if they felt that they could talk to that person about having a miscarriage. I felt that keeping the news between us was the best choice, as I didn’t want to upset anyone and I definitely didn’t want people feeling bad for me if I miscarried – even if it was family.

Miscarriages are extremely common.

A question I’ve been getting for a long time now is “when are you going to get pregnant again?”.

Truth is, we’ve been trying to get pregnant for awhile. We wanted to have kids close in age. But then the dreaded m word happened: I had a miscarriage. On Mother’s Day weekend.

We kept this to ourselves, trying to remain optimistic. I mean, I had already had one kid, so I know I’m capable of conceiving, so it would be bound to happen again, right? It hasn’t been an easy go this time around. And I’m only just opening up about having a miscarriage now.

I knew something wasn’t right. I woke up early in the morning and was bleeding. I spent most of the day in the hospital. The bold ‘+’ was now a ‘-‘. I had a miscarriage. Those words still sting terribly. I still feel like the wind has been knocked out of me every time I hear that word. I immediately tried to think about the miscarriage in the most positive light – it wasn’t meant to be, there was something wrong, the timing wasn’t right, yadda, yadda, yadda. We are so fortunate to have Odin in our lives, and so when my mind wanders back to the miscarriage, I remind myself  about what we have, not what we lost.

A couple weeks after the miscarriage, I became an emotional disaster. I was sad, angry, frustrated – sometimes all at the same time. But I kept reminding myself that we have Odin, I have been pregnant before, and there are so many other people out there trying to conceive baby number one. We are very lucky – don’t get me wrong – but it’s still hard for me to wrap my head around it all. I feel like my body has failed me. I often wonder if I did something wrong. My mindset has gone from “when I get pregnant” to “if I am able to get pregnant”. Why was it so easy to get pregnant the first time and such a struggle this time?

I know I shouldn’t think like that, but those thoughts creep in occasionally. When they do, I look at my son, or pictures of him if he isn’t around, and count my blessings. Even if I’m only able to have one child, I am lucky. If we can give him a brother or sister, then we are even luckier. The past few months have been anything but easy, but they have also reminded me to be so grateful for what we have been blessed with.