Third Time is a Charm?!

To say we’ve had a lot going on lately would be an understatement. One thing that seems to be a common trend though is that the third time seems to be a charm. We listed our house three separate times and on the third time it sold. Also, I suffered two miscarriages in 2014, only to find out the day before Odin’s second birthday that I was pregnant – the third time in 2014. The difference? I am still pregnant.

Seeing a + on the pregnancy test evoked a lot of emotions – I was too scared to get excited, because I had miscarried twice between 5.5 and 6 weeks pregnant. Once week 5 day 4 rolled around, I found myself holding my breath. This would be a trend for almost everyday until I hit 8 weeks pregnant. Except for the time I started bleeding at 6 weeks pregnant, the bleeding stopped after a few hours and I rushed to the hospital to learn (to my surprise) I didn’t miscarry – I was still pregnant! Now, shy of 17 weeks, I find myself still holding my breathe, but beginning to breathe a bit easier each day.

As soon as I got a positive test, I went straight to my doctor. He had told me after miscarriage #2 that he wanted to do some blood work the day I got a positive test. So I did. Then, it was weekly blood work, appointments and the occasional ultrasound. It was very different than when I was pregnant with Odin. With Odin, I got pregnant on our first attempt and had a super smooth pregnancy and delivery. I felt reassured with the additional doctor’s appointments, but it was so hard to not get too far ahead of myself – which honestly, is kind of sad, but that was my headspace. I knew all to well what could happen, and my bubble had already been burst a few times within the year.

Now, my perspective has become brighter and I worry less about what could happen and simply enjoy being pregnant and getting through each milestone. I’m so, so excited for Odin to become a big brother!

From this point out, I’ll be sharing weekly pregnancy updates and am also willing to answer questions anyone has. Dealing with conception can be frustrating, but no one needs to go through it on their own 🙂

The M Word

Getting pregnant with Odin was easy. However, once I found out I was pregnant, we still waited 13 weeks before we even told our families our big news. I was afraid of miscarrying, hence the delay. Someone had once told me that they only ever told people they were pregnant right away if they felt that they could talk to that person about having a miscarriage. I felt that keeping the news between us was the best choice, as I didn’t want to upset anyone and I definitely didn’t want people feeling bad for me if I miscarried – even if it was family.

Miscarriages are extremely common.

A question I’ve been getting for a long time now is “when are you going to get pregnant again?”.

Truth is, we’ve been trying to get pregnant for awhile. We wanted to have kids close in age. But then the dreaded m word happened: I had a miscarriage. On Mother’s Day weekend.

We kept this to ourselves, trying to remain optimistic. I mean, I had already had one kid, so I know I’m capable of conceiving, so it would be bound to happen again, right? It hasn’t been an easy go this time around. And I’m only just opening up about having a miscarriage now.

I knew something wasn’t right. I woke up early in the morning and was bleeding. I spent most of the day in the hospital. The bold ‘+’ was now a ‘-‘. I had a miscarriage. Those words still sting terribly. I still feel like the wind has been knocked out of me every time I hear that word. I immediately tried to think about the miscarriage in the most positive light – it wasn’t meant to be, there was something wrong, the timing wasn’t right, yadda, yadda, yadda. We are so fortunate to have Odin in our lives, and so when my mind wanders back to the miscarriage, I remind myself  about what we have, not what we lost.

A couple weeks after the miscarriage, I became an emotional disaster. I was sad, angry, frustrated – sometimes all at the same time. But I kept reminding myself that we have Odin, I have been pregnant before, and there are so many other people out there trying to conceive baby number one. We are very lucky – don’t get me wrong – but it’s still hard for me to wrap my head around it all. I feel like my body has failed me. I often wonder if I did something wrong. My mindset has gone from “when I get pregnant” to “if I am able to get pregnant”. Why was it so easy to get pregnant the first time and such a struggle this time?

I know I shouldn’t think like that, but those thoughts creep in occasionally. When they do, I look at my son, or pictures of him if he isn’t around, and count my blessings. Even if I’m only able to have one child, I am lucky. If we can give him a brother or sister, then we are even luckier. The past few months have been anything but easy, but they have also reminded me to be so grateful for what we have been blessed with.